just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
