I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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