the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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