I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
