just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
