remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
