when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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