One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
