You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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