Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
