Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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