who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
