Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
