How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
