Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
