my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
