I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
