I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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