just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
