I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
