but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
