I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
