More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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