dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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