i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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