It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Green mimosas i think yes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
