last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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