there's paper in my vomit.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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