Please, let me fuck your mom
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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