She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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