tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
