i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
