How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
