If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
