My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
