And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
