I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there's paper in my vomit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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