Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
