Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
