yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
