is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
