we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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