I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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