did you get engaged???
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
