and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
