I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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