I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
