If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
