he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
