literally had 100 drinks last night.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
