well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
