I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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